- City bikers-I sucked at Frogger in the 80’s, now I have to do the live version?
- Whistling- Cringe worthy and skin crawly.
- Idiot drivers- Sometimes it’s me.
- People who use the word anyways. The word is anyway. There is no S at the end.
- Hipsters- Shave your beards, ditch the ironic eyewear and stop pretending that you really like Jack Kerouac.
Let’s start with whistling.
Unless you are a professional whistler, save it for the shower. You are invading my personal ear space with your attempts to appear happy and talented. You may be happy, but your whistling is void of talent.
Let’s review a little bit about whistling.
- There is Musical whistling, which was performed on the music hall and Vaudeville circuits, by most notably, Fred Lowery who was a blind professional whistler.
- There is Pucker whistling, most commonly used in most Western music. This consists of a lot of manipulation of the tongue tip, lower teeth and can be done by either only blowing out or blowing in and out alternately.
- Venetian gondoliers are famous for being palatal whistlers, which is a way of moving the lips while they whistle in a way that can look like singing.
- Functional whistling has long been used as a form of communication between laborers.
- There is even a whistling competition run by the International Whistlers Convention in North Carolina every year and it brings whistlers from all over the world to battle for the crown of “International Grand Champion.”
- Most recently, (and way more fun) rapper and singer Flo Rida has released a song “Whistle” that covers the basics of a hardcore blowjob.
***Drinking Game Alert: Drink every time you read the word whistle. Do not drive.***
So, great. There is a genre dedicated to whistlers, and I get that. If someone can put their lips together and blow out a tune and get paid for their efforts, good for them.
But let’s face it. The careers of Vaudevillian whistlers died out in the 1930’s. I probably won’t be in a Venetian gondola anytime soon and the shrill of a construction worker’s whistle is annoying, at best.
The problem I have with whistling is simple. People suck at it. They think they actually sound like the song they are trying to emulate. I can count on one hand the times I have recognized a song from someone whistling.
And I know that it’s supposed to be a jolly, cheerful expression. But, honestly, pop culture and movies have shown us how creepy whistling can sound. Psychopaths in particular are often highlighted in movies as they comfortably lurk around and whistle before they strangle someone to death.
One of my favorite examples is the kick ass scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 1:
Crazy bitch Elle Driver of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad prepares to intravenously poison Beatrix Kiddo as she lies in her hospital bed. The whistling of “Twisted Nerve” by Composer Bernard Herrmann elevates the deranged and completely fantastic scene. In case you missed it:
I have nothing against The Andy Griffith Show that famously opened with whistling; showcasing the innocence of small town bliss, but if you start whistling that tune anywhere in my vicinity, expect some really uncomfortable body language from me.
In the form of a quick, sharp eye dagger, an intake of my breath, a slow exhale and an eye roll that will be so painful for me to resist, I may turn blue.
Since I’m on a roll, I gotta say that I am not a fan of humming either. When I’m in an elevator, and there is actual elevator music on, do not hum along to it, please. I automatically feel like I am now your audience and when the doors open, I have to give you a fake smile, pretending to have enjoyed your performance. It’s too much pressure.
So, as you’ve possibly read in my other posts, I bitch and moan about my annoyances and give out unsolicited advice to the human race. Since that’s not going to change anytime soon, please keep the humming for your sleepy babies and the whistling confined to calling your dog.
Now, go to bed. You must be wasted.